They Call Me Joe
by Tomas the Betrayer
Summary: A surprise visit by the Old World's most voracious customer might cause our Sapphire Star to rethink his place in the food chain.


The Odogaron reared up on its hind legs with a screech as a colossal blow shattered its claws. Turning, it raced with desperate speed out of the moldering cavern, its weird gibbering cries echoing through the lowest depths of the Rotten Vale.

Satisfied, the Hunter paused long enough to apply a whetstone and mix together a few Max Potions. His Palico partner lay dazed and insensate a few paces off. Looks like the final leg of this hunt will be a solo one. He then slung his Diablos Sledge II onto its armor hook and set off in pursuit.

After successfully dispatching a tempered Radobaan, he had decided to amuse himself by seeing what resources could be collected from the locale before returning to Astera. An unfortunate Odogaron crossed his path, and now the apex predator of the Vale was on its last legs; wounded, in need of rest, its demise certain. The only thing left was to follow the monster to its lair and finish the job. His supplies were depleted. Was it worth the trouble to stop by camp and refresh himself? No, clearly not! Let the hunt end without delay!

Scout flies marked the fleeing carnivore's trail. To his mild surprise, rather than heading deeper into the catacombs of the New World's refuse pit, the Hunter found himself climbing over mounds of rotting remains towards the heights of this stinking tomb. He followed the glowing insects, eventually making his way back into what passed for fresh air in these parts. A light rain fell from an overcast sky, pattering over the rock walls. Perfect; the Odogaron wouldn't travel far from the lower levels, and there was a handy vine trap in these parts in addition to being close to home base. He might even pick up a Shock Trap if the fight became too boring.

It came as a surprise when he crested the rise and found the small hollow empty. The trail led even further upwards. An Odogaron going this far for safety? Curious. Perhaps it was in search of food to replenish itself before sleeping? Undeterred, the valiant tracker continued to jog determinedly onward, confident that his prey would soon show itself.

A few minutes later, he paused to catch his breath. Seriously, what gives? He had never seen an Odogaron venture into this part of the Vale. Soon there would be no further to flee. Where was it going? The Scout Flies were clustered around a climbable tendril. When he regained his stamina, the Hunter grasped hold and began to scale up the rope. Upon reaching the next level, he found himself faced with yet another glowing vine. Well, whatever. The living legend renewed his chase.

Halfway up, his keen ears picked out the Odogaron's whimpering snuffles. The Hunter grinned to himself. And to think he once feared these beasts! Now he was so powerful and well-equipped, they posed virtually no threat. Hunting such monsters presented hardly any challenge. It was almost a shame, to have reached the very heights of his profession so early in his career.

The Hunter emerged at the top and stood upon a spongy, permeable surface. He glanced around, scanning the environment curiously. Now, where was it?

A moment later his eyes had locked with those of the terrified Odogaron. In that instant, all his previous questions were answered. The shock drove into his brain like a Vespoid stinger, its horror proving just as paralytic. For there, lumbering into the vaulted canopy with that red-limbed horror held limply in its fanged jaws like a chastised puppy, there came a titanic nightmare from the Old World. Massive body swelling with muscle, heavy tread causing the rubbery floor to ripple with every step, larger by far than anything else the Rotten Vale could produce, the aptly titled World Devourer briefly glanced around as though choosing the perfect spot to continue its work.

The Deviljho then swung the helpless red devil on high, and without further ado, began dashing the Odogaron against every available surface with savage force, battering its gnarled broken form as though tenderizing some meat.

Snapped back to reality, the Hunter unslung his Sledge with hands that trembled noticeably. To be sure, it was astonishing to find something like this here in the New World. But upon further consideration, his cool calculating Hunter's brain had already worked out the angles and decided this development might not be as unfortunate as one might think. After all, Odogaron still retained remarkable vitality even when wounded. Once this inexplicable immigrant had done its worst, he would take advantage of its efforts to finish the job and claim the prize for himself. And who knows? Perhaps then the hunter would become… the Hunted!

As he settled on this cunning strategy, the Deviljho smashed its unresisting quarry into the turf with such force it became caught in the spongy floor. Seeing his chance, the Hunter sped forward, raising his weapon to strike. One charged blow later, the unfortunate beast lay twitching in the throes of death, and both he and the Deviljho had already commenced their grisly pursuits respectively.

Carving free a fang, the Hunter glanced over at the feasting beast and smiled. You'll make a nice appetizer to _my_ meal, big fella.

The Deviljho ripped loose the dead monster's tail and started munching, finally seeming to notice the kill-stealing human as it did.

Black eyes narrowed vengefully.

* * *

The wounded Hunter tore into home base gasping and ashen-faced. He doubled over with hands on knees, resisting the urge to vomit. A glance back over his shoulder assured him that his furious pursuer had not relented in the slightest. In fact, it could now be heard scrambling up the ridge, roaring and gnashing in frustration. Why weren't the scent markers warding it off?! Could it actually get _in here?!_

No sense running the risk. Placing two fingers to his lips, he blew a high-pitched whistle. Flying overhead a trained Mernos perceived this call and banked down to answer it. The Hunter gauged the distance as his winged rescuer dropped closer, readying himself to make a speedy exit from this suddenly grim and threatening locale. No time to worry about his Palico partner; it would have to make its way home on its own.

The wingdrake dove, the Hunter tensed, and as he did, an angry green sausage came rocketing over the rise and snapped up the Mernos in its jaws, crushing and swallowing the poor creature before it could so much as scream.

"PICKL-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-E!"

This thwarted shriek was filled with outrage, disbelief, and above all, panic. The Hunter looked wildly around his invaded sanctum. There! The tent! If he made it inside, he would be safe. It was practically a whole other world in there, removed from any possible harm that could befall him. Elated at the prospect of survival, he surged forward to enter this haven.

In doing so, he found his way blocked by… the Handler.

She peered out at him from behind the tent flap, eyes huge and terrified. He had forgotten she was even here. For once, it would seem her childish enthusiasm for observing monsters had been overwhelmed by the abysmal threat represented in this inexplicably aggressive and determined specimen. Which came as little relief to the Hunter, who found himself unable to reach the same safe confines and forced to simply… talk.

"Let me in," he said softly.

The Handler stared back at him with frightened eyes.

He threw an anxious look at the Deviljho where it was attempting to locate him in this relatively confined space. Clearly she was traumatized. Perhaps it would be best to adopt a more conciliatory approach? "You're blocking the entrance. I can't get in. Please step back."

The Handler quickly shook her head and took a bite out of a drumstick, munching in frantic food-mania.

His control snapped.

"YOU STUPID HUMAN FEEDBAG, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY! IS THAT _MY_ WELL-COOKED STEAK YOU'RE EATING THAT I CARVED OFF A DAMN RAPHINOS WHICH I KNOCKED FROM THE SKY MYSELF?! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? _DO_… YOU _KNOW_… _WHO_… I _AM?_ I'M…!"

The Deviljho turned and spotted him.

* * *

Once master of this domain (now quite thoroughly dethroned), the humbled Hunter rounded a corner and skidded to a halt as he found himself faced with a dead-end.

"Sunnavabitch!" he gasped. Madly he tore at the high stone walls trying to find a purchase to climb. But there was nothing. An Odogaron could have made it up, as he had seen numerous times before, but now…

A noise came at his back. The Hunter spun about. There blocking his escape stood the Deviljho.

It grinned at him.

"Wait!" The Hunter raised his hands in imploring fashion. "Wait, Joe, listen to me!"

The Deviljho took a step forward in anticipation.

"Listen to me, Joe… can I call ya Joe? But seriously, Joe…" His head whipped around in search of a way out. "You and me, we're a lot alike!"

Another step…

"Yeah, yeah, Joe! I mean think about it! You and me, we just wanna hunt! We just wanna hunt monsters, and we're both good at it, Joe! But seriously, Joe… can I call ya Joe? I mean…"

Still closing in. At the same time, his left hand drifted behind his back.

"If you just stop and think for a second, you'll see that this is a great opportunity for both of us! I mean, if you just saw your way to letting me go, I could…"

The Hunter whipped his arm up. A Flash Pod launched from his slinger to explode in the Deviljho's face. It stumbled backwards with a howl, blinded.

"HAH!" the Hunter crowed gleefully, unslinging his Diablos Sledge II and darting forward. "GONNA MESS UP THAT PRETTY FACE O' YOURS, YA DUMB MONS-!"

He swung, and at the same time, the Deviljho lunged blindly. Its huge jaws closed around the massive horned mace, and with a loud SNAP…!

The Hunter found himself holding a splintered handle in his hand.

As he stared uncomprehendingly, there came a great cracking and chewing, followed by a rather painful swallow. When the startled hero looked up, the Deviljho shook its head with a snort, eyes focusing on him once more.

It licked its toothy lips. He started to back up once again.

"Joe… Joe, listen. Listen to me! Hear me out! How's about this? I got an idea!" A twitchy smile worked its way up his mouth. "How's about… I cut you in on the action!"

The Deviljho emitted a grunt that fairly dripped with disdain.

"Yeah, Joe, yeah! See, how it works is, I give you top carving rights on all of my kills! Whatever monsters I bring down, you get 50… no, _75% _of the carcass! Just leave me a little to get by, eh? Basically I'll be workin' for you, Joe! Kinda like a whole Smeagol/Shelob thing we got goin' here!"

The Deviljho wrinkled its brow in confusion.

"Not a big reader, eh, Joe?" Sweating, the Hunter looked away, then swiftly back with a huge insincere smile. "But that's okay, Joe! That's okay! I don't judge! Not when it comes to you, Joe! So waddaya say! Partners, Joe? Me and you?!"

In response, the Deviljho reached a tiny arm behind its neck and came back with a bib which it proceeded to tie around its thick throat.

The Hunter felt sweat pouring down his face. "Not good enough, eh? Then how's about this, Joe…"

Reaching behind it again, this time the Deviljho produced from somewhere on its person a monster-sized handheld device. Its clawed thumbs then began to dexterously tap out a message.

'_D-Jho here, 'bout to chow down on a tasty little Hunter. Suggestions?'_

Click 'Send', and away it went to the Deviljho social network, called 'FaceCook'.

"I'm a big deal in Astera, Joe! I mean a _big _deal! You know what they call me? 'Sapphire Star'! Okay, it sounds like a porn actor, I'll admit, but listen to this…"

The Deviljho inspected a bottle of ketchup in one claw, and Hollandaise sauce in the other. How to decide…?

"I'll lead other hunting parties to _you,_ Joe! Don't that sound great?! I mean, think about it! Everybody wants to hunt with the Sapphire Star! So I get me some recruits from the Fifth or even Fourth Fleet, lead 'em out into the Wildwaste lookin' for Barroth or somethin' easy-like…"

By this time some responses had come in.

'_D-Jones says: Can't go wrong with a little soy sauce-ginger-garlic marinade.'_

'_D-JeSuis says: A bot-tle of Chateau Loc Lac '62 vould make him taste le magnifique, non?'_

'_D-Jerome says: Man, you ain't foolin' nobody with that fake-ass accent, JeSuis. Poser! And Jho, slather some gravy on that mo-fo and chomp his ass!'_

"… and then BAM! You swoop in and gobble 'em up! Then I go back, restock the troops, and come out again! Ain't nobody gonna get wise to it, Joe! It's a perfect setup!"

When the Deviljho seemed absorbed in its online pursuits, the Hunter started to edge around it. A fat tail slammed to the ground in front of him, and he jumped back before launching into his spiel once more. "So lemme bend your ear on this, Joe! Say I take you back to the base, you act like you're asleep, make it look like I caught you, like in a Pitfall Trap, y'know? Then when they bring you inside the walls past the defenses, you go to town on ALL OF 'EM! Astera itself, all its young stock, like cattle in a pen, yours for the picking! Waddaya say, Joe!"

'_D-Juan says: An Achiote-Chipotle rub with just a twist of lime would really bring out the flavor.'_

'_D-Jed says: Why you guys always gotta plug chipotle? I tried it before, don't taste like nothin'. Jho, grind him up with a good dose of fennel seed and paprika, your mouth'll thank you.'_

"That sound good, Joe? I'll introduce you to my stable! Yeah, yeah, Joe, we got some _fine_ honeys in Astera, just _fine! _And they all want a piece of this! You like 'em mature and thick, Joe? I introduce you to this tasty Sisterly Fourth chick I know, you cannot get _enough_ of her sweet ass, I know I can't! Or you prefer 'em young and tender? How's about this Gentle Fourth babe, she is just lip-smackin' as can be! We're talkin' _fine!"_

The Deviljho threw him a withering look.

'_Okay, minor edit: meant to say I'm about to chow down on an absolute piece of SHIT.'_

"I can see you droolin' at the thought, Joe! I'm gettin' worked up just thinkin' about her myself! See, you and me, we're a lot alike, Joe!"

'_D-Jason says: Well, it wouldn't be the first time, right, Jho? LOL!'_

'_Okay, listen, I only did that once when I was super hungry and there was nothing else to eat! And let's be serious for a minute, we're all Deviljhos here! Who among us hasn't done the same thing at least once in their lives, huh?!'_

'_D-Judy says: I'd rather eat my own tail.'_

'_D-Justinian says: I'd rather eat your tail too!'_

'_D-Judy says: Eat a dick, Justin.'_

'_D-Jasper says: Why do all our conversations end up like this? I weep for society.'_

'_D-Joffrey says: I got a Paolumu here you can use to plug your big weepy vagina, Jasper.'_

"Or out in the wild, even, I send up a distress flare, bring in some other Hunters lookin' to save their valued comrade, next thing they know, we're mowin' 'em down Scarface-style! And then like you say, 'Say hello to my lil' friend,' eh?! Don't that make you laugh, Joe?!"

'_I'm getting sick to my stomach listening to this guy.'_

A pack of Girros nervously edged closer through the effluvium. When the Deviljho shot them a look, they quickly remembered somewhere else they had to be and swept out of the Vale lickety-split. It then returned its attention to the deplorable Hunter, hungry eyes narrowed with malice.

"Yeah, yeah, Joe! You and me, we're pals, we're buddy pals! You don't wanna eat me! I'm the best friend you got! You and me, we'd be runnin' the show, Joe! You ain't never had a friend like me! You'd never eat a friend, wouldja, Joe? Eh, Joe?"

That voracious gaze drifted over his shoulder, growing thoughtful as it did.

A slight smirk worked its way up the Deviljho's face.

And with that, it turned its back on the Hunter and proceeded to walk away.

With a gasp of relief he collapsed to his knees. "Oh, man!" the Sapphire Star gasped. "Oh, _man! _Joe… you won't be sorry, Joe! I promise! You ain't gonna regret this, Joe! I'm gonna be so good to you, you ain't never gonna go back! It's gonna be great, Joe! You'll see!"

Halfway out the chasm, the Deviljho paused.

"You and me, we're tight, Joe! We're the same! Right, Joe?"

It glanced back over its shoulder…

The sight of its face gave the Hunter pause.

"J-Joe?"

… and the Deviljho smiled.

Only then did he register something off behind him. Turning his head, the Hunter found himself confronted by a swirling black void hanging in midair. As he gaped at this bizarre occurrence, there came a rattling sound, like dried bone or deadwood knocking together in a cold devil's wind.

From out of those ebon depths a Leshen sprang, its huge clawed hands outstretched.

"JOOO-E-E-E-E-E-E!"

* * *

"And that's what happened," the Handler concluded. She took a bite out of a Pteryx drumstick and gobbled it down. *SMACK*CRUNCH*CHEW*SNARF*

Across the table from her in the interrogation room, the Commander looked ready to explode. His grandson the Field Team Leader leaned against a wall with a disgusted expression as she continued to stuff her face. The former Sapphire Star's Palico partner slumped on a stool beside her with a bandage wrapped around its head. It too wore a look of revulsion, though whether this was owing to its master's final moments or the girl's eating habits was not evident.

The Handler belched loudly. "It's really a shame. WE were such a great team. I mean, WE worked so well together. There wasn't a single monster WE couldn't take down! Or at least, that's what WE thought. But I guess WE were wrong. I mean, that's how it goes, when WE're a team. WE share the victories, right? And the losses. And the TASTY goodies!"

She looked up and smiled. "So! When do WE get my next partner?"

The Commander leapt to his feet and slammed a fist down on the table, making it jump. "GET THIS WORM-RIDDEN PIECE OF FILTH ON THE FIRST TRANSPORT BACK TO THE OLD WORLD WITHOUT EVEN A BUCKET TO SHIT IN!" he roared.

Sisterly Fourth and Serious Handler came forward and hoisted their erstwhile colleague up by the armpits, dragging her from the room as she espoused cheerfully on food and what-not.

The Handler was eaten by a Deviljho on her way back to the Old World. No one cared.

_**FIN.**_


End file.
